So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
