how do flat chested girls get laid?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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