hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
worst night to have a conscience
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
