You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
