allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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