God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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