This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
