guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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