i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
