After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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