so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
