Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
