you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
