dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
It was like getting head from an anaconda
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
