How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
