I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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