i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Randomize
