Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize