thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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