God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
