The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
