I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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