I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
