Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
