he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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