Moan for me like Helen Keller
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
