guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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