It's a beautiful day for a hangover
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
