Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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