We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
