theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
