threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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