even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
