Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
