so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
