she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
