I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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