Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
