just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
