yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
