Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
