Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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