Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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