You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I love you. Go after that dick
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
