Michael Bay diarrhea
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
