She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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