why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
