I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
