Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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