You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
