God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
