Just fell off a train. Bad.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
