he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
