youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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