you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
