After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Less talking, more tequila
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
